I thought I’d just check in and share some feedback while things are still fresh in my mind as I reflect on the past few days and glance back at my journaling. I learned so much during this time that it was almost overwhelming to think that all that happened in 3 days. I wanted to share with you some of the significant things I learned so that you have a sense of the amount of change that you have taught and inspired in me…
– I learned to be aware of what my body is telling me and to take the time to tune in and listen. It’s caused me to really take notice of feelings and adjust when necessary.
– I learned that it’s ok to take control and give direction and ask for what I need.
– I learned to breathe!
– I learned that it’s ok to set boundaries and that I don’t owe anyone anything.
– I learned how to get to the other side of a panic attack and stay in one piece when I’m triggered.
– I learned that the fear of a panic attack and the overwhelming emotions is what prevented me from going through it.
– I learned how to stay emotionally, physically & mentally present during intimacy, and that was my greatest achievement this week.
– I started to learn how to add voice to breath and movement.
– I learned that it’s ok to follow the pleasure in my body rather than chasing the pain, and that it works better in the long run.
– I learned that self-touch is important and that i have some work to do to get comfortable with that because I am a long way off right now.
– I learned that there is so much more yet to explore and be curious about.
All of these are a work in progress, of course, but I went away feeling a significant change knowing that I can’t go back to what I came from.
I also felt a strong sense of what I need for myself and that it’s ok to have needs. Currently (because they may change in the future), I have learned that I need:
– safety, support & stability
– to start slow and take time to work through the things that pop up before continuing on
– steady, supportive physical pressure on my body to help me feel grounded when I’m anxious
– to take time to come down from a heightened state so that my nervous system doesn’t stay in an overloaded state
– to allow parts of my nervous system to wake up after being dormant for so long
– to voice my feelings
– to keep breathing and listening to my body
I’m sure there’s more but that’s what comes to mind right now, and it’s a pretty big list! I cannot thank you enough for working with me and allowing me to work through some pretty big issues. You have been so incredibly patient, supportive, encouraging, instructive, safe, and also a real pleasure to get to know. I would not have even known where to start without you.
For me to feel safe enough to not only work through the overwhelming panic/fear/arousal triggers, but to also feel supported and comfortable enough to have an orgasm on the table (my first fully present one at that), was a very surprising achievement and I’m still a little bit in shock.
Overall, you made the whole experience really comfortable (except when I had to move you around the room, lol), so again, thank you!
I feel very positive about where we left things, and I now begin the delicate task of integrating this all into my everyday life, but I’m off to a good start. 😉
I definitely left though with a much more curious spirit and I would love to have the opportunity to maybe explore some of those things before I move away, if you’re up for it…
1) how the (pelvic) floor will react if we’re accessing different parts of it and what affect that might have one the nerve – whether it’s more or less sensitive.
2) I have a strong feeling that there will be some triggers there now that these new memories have surfaced from my 3 year old self, and I’d like to be able to work through them in a safe place. I have had a lot of trauma in that part of my body from a very young age and I find it really difficult to talk about, and even more so since realizing that it wasn’t just the medical trauma at age 4 but that the rape that occurred at age 3 was done this way. (I cringe even typing it because it’s so awkward and I really feel like it’s the most demeaning torture you could put someone through, especially for a child). However, lately I am all about facing my fears and walking through them and I feel like the timing of this memory and the work that we started is not a coincidence.
3) In spite of my past and my awkwardness to talk about it, there’s also a general sense of curiosity around it. The touch we did definitely sparked some feelings of arousal and curiosity and I’d like to follow the path and see where it leads… if you’re open to it.